Book 27: Three Wishes

Once in a while, the Fates conspire to show you something you need to see. Perhaps you've fallen into your life. Maybe you're living someone else's bliss.  Or maybe you simply woke up one day and said, there's more than this,whatever this is.  And you've finally, finally admitted to yourself that while you've been blessed with so many wonderful things, you want still more.  Only now you want the things that you think are going to make you really happy, complete you, finally realize what your authentic self wants.  If you're lucky, you blink your eyes or wave your magic wand or just wake up and do it, and you have this final piece to the puzzle.  Or you're like me. You realize you simply don't know how to begin to get what you want, or even if you deserve what you want.  That's a painful, painful place to be. So you start reading books, to help you figure out how to get this elusive thing that is going to make you happy. You start talking to people who can give you clarity. More important, you listen to what these people tell you.  And then, just when you're ready, more things keep coming into your life to point you in that right direction.  You know, these pesky Fates.

If you've been following this blog, you've seen Finding Your Own North Star and The Happiness Project here.  What I didn't articulate as much with talking about these two books, was how much they impacted me personally.  They started me on a journey that I've been on for the last few months. I have actually spent many wonderful weeks working with someone who helped me change my perspective, question my motivations, face fears, and start thinking about things more positively. As part of that, I've learned that once you open up yourself to thinking about things in a different way, the messages you need to hear seem to find you, no matter what.

In browsing through the shelves at Barnes and Noble Sunday, that's precisely what happened.  I'd picked up several fiction books, and I began meandering through non-fiction and current events. I perused and picked up several titles, reading book jackets, adding some to the basked and returning others to the shelves.  And then I came across Three Wishes. The first thing I noticed is that this memoir was really an intertwined memoir of three women, who co-authored the book.  Carey Goldberg, Beth Jones, and Pamela Ferdinand all lived in the Boston area, and all worked in journalism. They had all had successful careers and had happy, fulfilled lives in so many ways. But each woman was nearing the end of her thirties, and each wanted a baby.  But none had found the right man.  Carey was the first to decide that she would have a baby on her own.  She ended up using a sperm donor.

Of course, once she made the decision to go with a sperm donor, a man comes into her life, and the donor becomes unnecessary. So she passes the donations onto Beth.  And there you go.  Beth meets that right man. So the donations go to Pam, and lady luck strikes a third time.  Of course, not all the paths were easy once the man walked into the picture, and happy endings were not instantaneous. In fact, there were some devastating times before the happy endings. But the journey to happiness itself was an intriguing, sometimes sad, and ultimately heartwarming read.

For these women, the most important thing to them was to become a mother- but not at the expense of everything else in their life.  They visualized it, they planned for it, of course. But they didn’t stop living their life in the pursuit of this goal.  And that is exactly when they got what they wanted.  That was what struck me.  The dream doesn’t have to be marriage and motherhood.  That’s just what it happened to be for these women. It was their pursuing the goal while still living their life that spoke to me so much.

I’ve realized what is important is to give yourself permission to admit what you really want and pursue it.  Because once you do that, once you say that it is OK to want something, and that you deserve to have it, you start opening yourself up to the possibility of receiving it. Although I’ve not taken any huge steps yet, I’m already learning that doing things in my life that fulfill me is going to open me up to many more possibilities.

 Now all these books about people following their bliss seem to be finding their way into my path, whether from a conversation with a random seat mate on a Delta flight, or wandering through the aisles of a bookstore and just happening to pick up a book about people doing the same thing.

Regardless of what your own happy ending might be, this book reads like you're sitting down with friends who are telling you their story, with all its hilarity and heartbreak.  And when you're reading it, you know that no matter how circuitous the journey, these women wouldn't trade it. Because once they opened their eyes to what they wanted, this journey is what led them to precisely where they were meant to be.

http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Three-Wishes/Carey-Goldberg/e/9780316096614/?itm=1&USRI=three+wishes+a+true+story+of+good+friends+crushing

Book 11: Stolen Innocence

So now I know where Big Love gets its inspiration... .at least for stories concerning Juniper Creek and Bill's complicated family history. Except in this instance, it is true. Stolen Innocence is Elissa Walls' story of growing up under Warren Jeff's in an FLDS sect of the Mormon church in Utah.

In and of itself, I don't have a problem with a group deciding to live in isolation to practice its religious beliefs. The Amish do it quite well. And probably lots of other groups I don't know anything about.

But the environment Elissa Walls grew up in I have significant issues with. In this community, power is in the hands of the Prophet, who is believed to be God's mouthpiece on earth. Men in the sect are granted a Priesthood, if they are deemed worthy enough, and expected to guide and direct their families in all aspects. If a man has at least 3 wives, and he is sealed to them for time and eternity, then he can reach the highest levels of heaven. Not my idea of reality or salvation, but under Uncle LeRoy and Uncle Rulon (the two Prophets before Warren Jeffs), people entered into these relationships with relatively little manipulation, although admittedly very little exposure to any other way of life, either. That's not to say there wasn't a dark side. If a man was deemed to be an unworthy Priesthood holder for some reason, then his wives and children could be reassigned to another man, with no consideration for what the wives might want. They were property of the husbands.

When Warren Jeffs began taking over the Priesthood from his aging father, things began to change. Warren Jeffs used his position to manipulate and control the community, eventually banning all influences of the outside world- television, radios, traditional education, even classical music and the historical celebrations held so dear to the Community. This was the tip of the iceberg. At age 14, Elissa Walls was forced to marry her 20 year old cousin. Despite her protests, both before and during her marriage, she was continually told to submit to her husband. After years of abuse, she managed to escape the clutches of the FLDS and eventually went on to become Utah's star witness against Warren Jeffs.

I won't go into any more detail about Elissa Walls' story here. It is quite compelling, and very easy reading. What I will rant on for a moment is the slippery slope of too much power in the hands of a few, and being in a culture that does not allow room for questions.

Under Warren Jeffs. entire families were torn apart. Underage girls were forced into marriages, threatened with eternal damnation if they went against the Prophet. Boys were expelled from the community with no money, little education and no hope. Religion fails when it uses the fear of losing salvation to manipulate its followers into obeying arbitrary rules. Religion also fails when it refuses examination and question. In some cases, questioning does lead to a loss of faith- but that should be left to the individual, arrived at through their own examination of doctrine and beliefs. It should not come to be because the person didn't "keep sweet." Walls is able to admit now that she was brainwashed.

It is easy for me, as an outsider, to say "Wow, how can these people believe this!" But if you grow up in a culture, and you feel this is your only hope for salvation it is understandable. While I wouldn't wish Walls' past on anyone, her natural curiosity and survival instinct allowed her to move past what she grew up learning, and make a path in the world for herself. She has a special kind of courage, and although I doubt our paths will ever cross, I wish her the best in her future.

I'd recommend for anyone fascinated with what I call "fringe religions" and anyone who is into Big Love on HBO. Also anyone who enjoys reading memoirs.

http://www.amazon.com/Stolen-Innocence-Polygamous-Becoming-Breaking/dp/B001O9CDFG/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1266893326&sr=1-1

The Unlikely Disciple

Book 1: The Unlikely Disciple: A Sinner’s Semester at America’s Holiest University

Kevin Roose

http://www.amazon.com/Unlikely-Disciple-Semester-Americas-University/dp/044617842X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1262401916&sr=8-1

Like many college students, Kevin Roose wanted to experience a semester in a different culture. Instead of choosing Europe, though, Roose left Brown University for a semester at Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University in Lynchburg, Virginia.

Roose’s parents are Quakers, but Kevin himself grew up largely non-religious. A friend gave him a crash course in evangelical Christianity before he started classes with advice like “Cursing will give you away immediately. Best say you’re a new Christian.” Roose knew he would be writing about his experiences at Liberty, so he chose not to disclose his full history. He wanted to learn about the college, its faculty, and students as they truly are.

Brown University is a secular, liberal university. Roose’s adjustment to Liberty included a strict dress code, no cursing, no dancing, no R-Rated movies, among other things. Some of the biggest adjustments for Roose were academic- like the school’s belief in Young Earth Creationism. That is, that the earth is about 6000 years old and evolution is a complete farce. He was also learning about the doctrine of Biblical infallibility- that Bible is literally true- the earth was created in six twenty-four hour days, and a bush really did catch on fire and talk to Moses.

The thing that struck me the most about Roose’s experience is that while he went into this with a preconceived idea of what the people he encountered would be like, he was also open to experiencing who they truly are. Roose found that while he did not share the same fundamental beliefs with his peers, that in general, they were more alike than different. To me, that was what was most shocking and meaningful to Roose.

I don’t want to reveal too much more about Roose’s experiences here, but I do have some other color to add to reading his memoir. Liberty is not the most conservative school, with respect to rules and regulations, as some of the other US conservative colleges and universities, which Roose cites in his book. I’ve had personal experience with the elementary schools associated with two of the other institutions Roose mentions.

At the time of publication of the book (March, 2009), some of the prohibitions listed at these institutions included no “secular” music and even more strict dress codes (women are allowed to wear pants only between their dormitories or in their dorm courtyards- not to any classes or in public) and there is to be no physical contact between couples- no hand holding, and not even eye contact that is deemed “too intense.” Now, the elementary schools I attended didn’t have all these same prohibitions, or maybe not to the same degree. I was required to wear a dress every day. I was the rebel who listened to rock and country music, although it was specifically prohibited by the school. Prayer and daily Bible lessons were core parts of the curriculum. I remember the rote memorization of the Baptist Catechism (Who made you? God made me. What else did God make? God made me and all things...). There was a test on it every Monday. When Roose recalls the challenge he had in learning the books of the New Testament, I was able to recall, after all these years, the song I had to learn in maybe third or fourth grade that listed all twenty-seven books in order. I’m still able to recite the song if I think about it a bit, and it turned out someone taught it to Roose as a study aid. I will say I’ve not had much use for that particular ditty in the last several years, but good to know that rote memorization has longevity in some cases.

I switched to public schools in grade six. I think I must have experienced, to some degree, a culture shock similar to Roose, although in the reverse. I was being exposed to so much more diversity, to more critical thinking. I didn’t realize at the time how much my world was opening up by being in this new environment. I wish it had happened sooner. Until then, I saw things as very black or white. Something was either OK or it was a SIN. And the SIN list was much longer than the OK list. As I was exposed to more, and as I got older, I realized how much grey there is in the world- and how there are very few absolutes; that “Always” and “Never” should rarely be used. I liked that I could identify with Roose on his journey.

Ironically, as Roose lived in the Liberty community for that semester, and his world view was somewhat narrowed, he still grew and learned about himself. He analyzed the religion he was being exposed to and determined for himself whether or not it was a good fit. He learned that even if he doesn’t necessarily believe that prayer works, the idea of someone supporting you through prayer is somehow comforting.

All in all, I thought Roose was very fair to his Liberty classmates. He might disagree with some of their philosophies, but he found the people to be largely good people. In fact, I get the impression from the book that he still keeps in touch with a number of them today.

If you like memoirs, if you’re intrigued by different religions, if you’ve ever watched a Mega-Church preacher on a Sunday morning and wonder what would drive a person to attend, then I think this book is worth a whirl.

Book 2 is one my Nora Roberts- complete fun, and the closest I've gotten yet to a true "romance novel."